One of the perks of going through the adoption process were the classes our agency offered us.  They have everything from financial classes to classes that help you learn how to do your child's hair.   The most beneficial class we took ended up being a class that dealt with the questions adoptive parents might encounter about their child.  When we took the class I was floored by some of the testimony from fellow parents who had been asked questions or been put in situations that were very uncomfortable for them and their child.  At the time I really thought I would never encounter such things, I couldn't imagine people really would ask questions like that.  Here I am with my 7 week old precious boy and I have already been asked almost every single question they prepared us for in that class.  I don't believe these questions come from bad intentions, but I do believe they come from ignorance.  Today I had a shocking encounter at lunch and just really feel the need to share my experience in hopes that those of you who have adopted will find comfort in knowing you aren't the only one who's been asked these questions and for those of you who meet a child or couple that has a family built through adoption, you might understand how to be curious without offending anyone.

I'll set the scene, my friend and I were eating lunch and sitting in a booth.  A family of three (mother and two daughters, probably age 8 and 13) sat in the booth behind me.  As soon as they sat down the older daughter began googling over my little man...who wouldn't?  They asked the usual questions like; "How old is he? How much does he weigh?" My friend left the table for a moment and then the ignorant questions began to flow.  Here are a few examples of both their questions and my answers;
"So is his daddy black?"
     "Both his bithmom and birthdad were black and they chose us to be his parents, we adopted him."
"Where did you get him?"
     "He was born in Georgia"
"So why didn't his parents want him?"
     "His mother loved him very much and knew they couldn't take care of him, but could give him a better home."
"How much did it cost?"
     Thankfully at this time my friend walked back in and I didn't have to answer, but I would say contact an adoption agency if you are interested in those details.   Please don't ever ask a family directly unless they open that door.
"When he is old enough to understand will you let him go back to live with his real parents?"
     "We are his real parents and he will always live with us, but if he would like to meet his birthmom at some point and she would like the same then we of course will allow that."

Keep in mind all these questions came from a 13 year old and so I was probably a bit kinder in my response.  I understand children can be curious, but for goodness sake there were plenty of moments her mother could have explained that these were not questions to ask a stranger.

What I have a difficult time with are the questions that refer to my son as an object that you can get from someplace or that he isn't "really" ours and we aren't "really" his.  I want to educate those who haven't had adoption as a part of their lives, which is why I try to answer questions with a statement that shows a more appropriate way to ask in the future.  "Where was he born?"  "What is his heritage?"  And then there are questions that are just not OK to ask someone you have never met.   My hope is through educating people now the next time they run into a family that has adopted they will choose a better way to inquire about their family.  I also hope that my son will a) not have to hear, "Where did they get you?"  or, "Do you want to live with your real parents?"  BUT b) If he does hear those questions I pray that I will have set a good example of how to answer them without frustration and ultimately to be confident enough in our love and our family to not let them effect him.  I pray his identity will always be found in CHRIST and in CHRIST alone.

In hopes that this post does not come off rude, I hope that you can glean some light from my very uncomfortable situation I was in today.  Never would have thought one 13 year old would have covered every question from that class we sat in several months ago.   I guess it's good I've gotten all the awkward out this early in the game though, eh?